Honey Do List Gone Wild For Unemployed Men

Wash the damn car
Seal the driveway
Clean the air filters
Empty the vacuum bag
Cut the frigging grass
Organize the garage
Paint

See that chair, don't sit in it.
The dishes are piling up, let's get 'er done.
But wait, it's raining, get the clothes off the line, FAST.
Look in the fridge, what do you see? Nothing?
Get busy, here's the list, off you go. Have fun.
What took you so long! Gheesh.
You what! You bought a new lawnmower!
Let's do the math. The square footage of the house is like
ten times that of the lawn, so why didn't you buy a new vacuum?
Just wondering.

Here's the credit card, go buy the kids their school stuff.
Did you get the mail today?
About that credit card, don't you dare!
You're back already?
What! The car broke down!
Take the car in.
How much? Here's another damn credit card.

Your son wants a new video game.
Don't you dare!
Fix that leaking tub.
You can't fix that leaking tub?
Hire a plumber that takes a credit card.
About that credit card.
Did you see the hydro bill!
Too bad we can't use the credit card.
Wait. I think we can.

The little guy wants some more candy.
Use the card.
How much is our house worth?
I was just wondering if there would be enough equity
to pay off the credit cards.
About those cards.
Fill up the car. You really need the card for that.
How much?
Can you walk to hockey?
Beer. We need beer.
At least we're getting airmiles, yippee.

We need a new roof
We need new windows
When will the patio be finished?
About that credit card.
Credit card declined.
Now what?
Who's your favourite realtor?
ME! "Yeah I got a Listing".

APPLICATION HELL
Do you know how many jobs are out there?
Apparently, the superabundance is so overwhelming,
it will make me cry with gratitude.
The choices are spectacular!
Employers en masse, like a parade of dancing cash.
Sixteen hours of resume revamping,
twenty two hours of cover letter re-design,
and days of emailing to those who are dying to hire me.

Oh yes.
I warned my neighbours of the coming onslaught.
Checked the local bylaws to ensure the parade of opportunity conformed.
Adorned my body in pinstripes
The hair. You should see the hair:
Arched at the edges, it screams Management Material!
Oh yes. All is good.

Six months have passed.
Do you know how many jobs are NOT out there?
Apparently, the drought is so overwhelming,
I had to stop crying. I couldn't afford the tissues.
The choices for car washing, flipping burgers and pouring coffee, spectacular.
I'm not educated to wash, flip, and pour,
I really should have planned better.

Employers must be IN Mass.
And cash doesn't dance. Credit cards do.
Sixteen hours of resume revamping,
Twenty hours of cover letter re-design and months of emailing,
gave me one thing I didn't have, cramps.

Oh yes.
The bylaws need revamping, Employer onslaughts, went with the wind.
About my hair. It's a lovely shade of in-shock grey.
Pinstripes? Let's not go there.
So what have I done for me lately?
I whipped out the good china to have a coffee
Didn't have time to use it before.
Unemployed class, all is good.

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Party Jokes: Startling But Unnecessary

Here, I focus on a range of items and features that we use in life without giving them a second thought such as Coca Cola, body muscles and holding ones own breath. Though, most of these notes are not fundamentally necessary, they are such that you can use them for a good laugh, at a drinks party or for picking up women or men.

1) Coca-Cola: Did you know that its original colour was green?

2) Mohammed: Did you know that this is the most used name in the entire world?

3) Geographical Letters: Did you know that the name of each of the continents begins and concludes with the exact same alphabet? Do not believe that? Look up Asia, Europe, Africa, America, Antarctica and the rest.

4) Muscle Strength: Did you know that the strongest muscle in the entire body is that one which we use to lick a popsicle? Your tongue.

5) Credit Cards: In the United States, were you aware that each and every person has at least two credit cards?

6) An Antique Machine: The word for an old machine that was once used for writing letters and other documents is the largest word that one can make if they click only on a single row of their computer's keyboard: typewriter!

7) Blink: Men wink at women, but research has found out that the average woman blinks nearly two times more than the average man.

8) Suicide: Even though you might have wondered if it was possible, studies have discovered that it is impossible to kill oneself by simply holding in your breath.

9) Licking: However much you may try, you will never be able to lick your elbows.

10) Sneeze: Try sneezing. People will automatically answer you with a bless you greeting. Have you ever imagined why? Some say that this happens because a sneeze stops the functioning of the heart for a very tiny second.

11) The Blue Sky: Did you know that a pig, no matter how much they try, cannot look up into the sky?

12) Twisting Your Tongue: We have all dabbled with different tongue-twisters in our day. But do you know which is the toughest? Sixth sick sheiks sixth sheeps sick.

13) Ribs: Did you know that you should try not to sneeze too strongly. Why? A very powerful sneeze has the ability to cause a fracture in your ribcage. But, then again, if you try and withhold one, you stand the chance of breaking one of the many blood vessels in your neck or head. This could cause death.

14) Cards: Did you think that the Kings are all just random cards referring to random figures? No. Each one signifies a different king: Diamonds for Julius Caesar, Clubs for Alexander the Great, Spades for David and Hearts for Charlemagne.

15) And finally: Most everyone reading this (Caught You!) are trying to lick their elbows at this exact moment!

Conclusion: Most of these are not scientific facts, but they are hilarious, funny and can be used to lighten up the ambience when a conversation has gone dull. Use any and see your popularity rise up to great heights.Visit http://www.gambling-portal.com for more jokes.

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Guitar Tuning And How To Tune A Guitar

There are many different ways to approach guitar tuning. We'll touch on a couple of the more effective methods on how to tune a guitar. Not necessarily the most popular as some methods, though extensively used, are considered 'bad habits' rather than genuine, effective guitar tuning alternatives.


The guitar standard tuning is as follows:

STRING - 6th String (bottom, bass, low) NOTE - E
5th String - A
4th String - D
3rd String - G
2nd String - B
1st String (top, treble, high) - E


Tips For Any Guitar Tuning Method

First, lets cover a few things that every player should know when taking the proper approach to guitar tuning and how to learn to tune guitar.

Learn to attach the strings to the machine heads properly. Never try to tune down to a note. Stretch the strings and tune up to the note. Tuning heads have a certain amount of 'play' in them so make a couple of deep bends and then fine tune the string. Before tuning a suspect string, check it against both adjacent strings to determine which string is actually out of tune. The string you suspect may not even be the culprit. When tuning a guitar with a vibrato arm, tune the string, give the arm a good shake, stretch the string, give the arm another shake and fine tune.

Veterans of guitar playing will already know these things so if you're a beginner and just learning to play the guitar, you're already ahead of the game if you implement these practices into your routine. For a great tool visit http://www.guitarmusician.com/guitar-tuner.htm

Here's A Quick Method For Guitar Tuning

Tune the treble (high) E string to an A440 tuning fork by holding your finger on the 5th fret, then tune the open B string to the open treble E string – listening to the interval of a fourth. It's easy to hear the fourth in that register.

Play the A note fretted at the 2nd fret of the G string, and compare it to the open treble E string – you're listening for a perfect fifth interval.

Fret the 2nd fret E note on the D string and compare it to the treble E string open. Double check this by fretting the E note on the 14th fret of the D string.

Now tune the 7th fret harmonic on the A string (an E note) to the open treble E string.

Finally, tune the 5th fret harmonic on the bass E string to the open treble E string.

This is a simple guitar tuning method that works well.

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The City of Live Music

Anyone who lives in Austin knows why the city council adopted the slogan “live music capital of the world” in 1991. For those just visiting, the city offers many opportunities to find out.
The famed music scene of Austin began in the 60s and 70s at the Vulcan Gas Company. Musicians played country music here to crowds of loud and enthusiastic fans. Willie Nelson moved to Austin in 1965 and kick started his career in front of these audiences. He went on to become one of the most successful country music artists of all time. Not long after, the Vulcan Gas Company became known as the Armadillo World Headquarters, or just The Armadillo, and Austin’s music really took off.

As the music scene grew more popular, Austin gained a reputation for welcoming struggling artists. Bands and singers knew they would find receptive audiences at numerous informal establishments and the type of music played expanded to include jazz, blues, rock and roll, and everything in between.

The music scene in Austin has fostered the career of many now famous musicians. Perhaps the most legendary, Stevie Ray Vaughan is one of the most influential blues guitarists in the world. He first played at Antone’s, the club founded by his mentor and record producer, Clifford Antone.

Television and annual festivals have helped Austin develop into the live music capital. The show Austin City Limits first aired on PBS in 1975. The live music experience showcased the variety of artists heard in Austin and helped significantly to grow the city’s music reputation. Almost every kind of music imaginable can be heard at the three day Austin City Limits Music Festival held every September. Since its inception in 2002, it has become one of the premier music festivals in the country.

The Sixth Street area of downtown Austin houses the largest collection of live music venues and is the location of the South by Southwest Festival. SXSW, as it is known, is a music and film festival that has generated more revenue than even the Texas Longhorn’s home games.

Certainly, the times of year that coincide with the music festivals are the most exciting for fans of live music. At any other time of year, tourists may be disappointed with the atmosphere of the famed Sixth Street area. Several of the original, small music venues have closed and in their place are more profitable bars and clubs.

While some may believe the eclectic, small feel of Austin’s music scene is waning, others still revel in the live entertainment.

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2008 Government & Health Technologies Conference and Expo

Saskatoon Health Region To Present on Implementing Information Practices that Support Legislative Requirements in Access and Privacy at the 2008 Government & Health Technologies Conference and Expo
March 04, 2008 - Toronto, Canada - Jayden Stephens, Privacy Officer, Saskatoon Health Region will present a Case Study on implementing information practices that support legislative requirements in access and privacy at the 2008 Government & Health Technologies Conference and Expo. The conference will be hosted on April 15 - 16, 2008 at the Design Exchange in Toronto Ontario.

During this interactive presentation, Jayden Stevens, Privacy Officer will detail the steps taken at Saskatoon Health Region to establish and roll out a privacy and access program to 11,500 employees in over 80 facilities within his jurisdiction. Responsible for overseeing the application of the Freedom of Information and Protection of Privacy Act in addition to the Health Information Protection Act to health facilities with the Saskatoon region, he will offer insight into best practices for enforcing legislative compliance to each of these Acts.

Based on his experience, Jayden will explore the opportunity created by technology to gather, link and disclose large amounts of patient information, and how to implement information practices that support legislative requirements. He’ll reveal what they have learned about how to respond to requests for information in timely manner while respecting best practices for the responsible sharing of patient health information.

Jayden will be joining a great lineup of speakers, including Dr. Robert Bell, CEO and President of UHN, Richard Reiner from Telus Security, Melonie Warfel from Adobe Systems, and Laurie Hicks from Smart Systems For Health Agency (SSHA).

To register for Early-Bird Passes please visit http://gov.wowgao.com/registration OR call (416) 292-0038 Ext. 812.

About Saskatoon Health Region:
Saskatoon Health Region is an integrated health delivery agency providing a comprehensive range of services and programs including but not limited to hospital and long term care, public health and home care, mental health and addiction services, prenatal and palliative care. It represents the largest health region in Saskatchewan, serving 289,000 local residents in more than 100 cities, towns, villages, RMs and First Nation communities.
About the 2008 Government and Health Technologies Conference & Expo:
The 2008 Government & Health Technologies Conference and Expo will focus on the latest IT products and solutions being developed and sought after in the healthcare and public service sector, including Web 2.0, Patient Monitoring Systems, Document Management, Business Intelligence, Mobile Data Systems, RFID Solutions, Biometrics and much more.

As one of Canada's leading annual IT conference and exposition, the event features ground breaking IT applications that aim to educate key IT professionals, Government officials, developers, architects, engineers and medical professionals with the necessary tools and techniques for the reliable, effective management of all public information services across Canada. For more information about the event, please visit http://gov.wowgao.com

About the Gao Group’s Companies:
WowGao Inc. (www.wowgao.com) a member of GAO Group, is an award winning leading event management company that produces, since 2003, internationally renowned conferences and expositions that address the latest innovations and developments in the information technology industry. Our featured events include:
Government & Health Technologies Conference and Expo, April 15 & 16, 2008
Wireless & Mobile Expo and Conference, July 15 & 16, 2008
RFID Forum, July 15 & 16, 2008
Financial Services Technology Forum, October 2008
GAO Embedded Inc. (www.GAOEmbedded.com), a member of GAO Group, is an international leading provider of embedded development tools that serve the needs of electronic design engineers throughout the world.
GAO Tek Inc. (http://www.GAOTek.com), a member of GAO Group, is an international leading provider of engineering development tools, test and measurement instruments and electronic components that serve the needs of electronic engineers in the world.
GAO Research Inc. (www.GAOResearch.com), a member of GAO Group, is a developer of leading-edge embedded communications software for voice, video, data, and fax over IP/wireless.

GAO RFID Inc. (http://www.GAORFID.com), a member of GAO Group, a leading provider for a wide range of high quality, reliable and affordable RFID readers, tags, antenna, modules, sample packages, evaluation kits, and other products to worldwide users.
For conference inquiries:
Conference Producer
(416) 292 - 0038 ext. 840 | conference@wowgao.com
WowGao Inc. | www.wowgao.com

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How Can You Get Maximum From Your Portable Generator

Your portable generator is your only refuge in the case of a power-cut, when there is a great need to keep thing moving and working. To be used as a temporary source of power for emergency after calamity – like, hurricane or tornado - portable generator is a popular option. In such cases, if there is a need for rescue and retrieval, especially during the night, the portable generator can keep machines and lights going for the purpose.

A matter of concern when it comes to a portable generator is that it can be a health hazard to people, if not used properly, more details are located at Hondageneratorstore website. Hence, it is the responsibility of the users to use portable generators in the right way.

Chiefly, there are four main hazards that portable generators can impose:

i) Release of carbon monoxide from the generator’s exhaust

ii) Fires due to improper refueling

iii) Electrocution or shocks due to wrong connections

iv) Loud noise and vibration.

Carbon monoxide is a toxic gas. Its undetectable nature makes it all the more dangerous, as it can lead to death due to suffocation. It is unlike other gases – being colorless and odorless – that it why it is impossible to sense.

Keep your portable generator in places where there is proper ventilation, so as to avoid poisoning due to carbon monoxide. Closed spaces - like a room, basement, or garage – are a complete ‘rule out’, when it comes to placement of portable generator also check out all safety precautions at hondageneratorstore. So are places like windows, doors, or any kind of openings in the house.

If you run the generator indoors, keep in mind that open windows or doors are no guarantee or safety against carbon monoxide build up. In fact, the harmful effects of carbon monoxide can also enter open doors or windows, even if the generator is run outdoors. If anyone experiences symptoms like giddiness, nausea, headache and fatigue, take the person to an open area where he can get fresh air.

Generators, like car engines, get hot when their engines run for a long time, get more details at hondageneratorstore But unlike car engines, generators remain hot for a long period of time, making it impossible for you to refuel them, while running or immediately after they are shut down. The generator needs to be cooled down for a while. Once the temperature is safely low, refueling can be done. Fire can also occur, even before your intention to start refueling it, particularly if your gasoline containers are placed near or beside the generator.

Generators should be considered as ordinary power sources. Since generators do not have safety devices - like circuit breakers and transformers - they can cause harm, more so in case you happen to get electrocuted. Keep every connection clear and clean, to ensure the safety of everyone around. Avoid unnecessary and unsafe connections, as well as tangling ones.

Keep the generator dry, as under no condition should you let it work in the rain. In case it starts raining, use a canopy to cover the generator. Don’t ever attempt to connect any devices when you are barefooted. And under no circumstances should you connect wet electric devices to the generator.

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Delivering the Message with Flowers

Delivering the Message with Flowers

Flowers have long been celebrated as one the best means to express your emotions. Whether you wish to deliver flowers by post to your sweetheart, to a good friend or even to your mother, flowers always succeed in getting your message across like no other gift out there. A Valentines flowers delivery can be more than just any simple delivery. It can be a symbol of your emotions and true feelings. Whether those feelings are undying love, sympathy, joy or grief, you’re sure to convey them by a flowers delivery.

If you need a special flowers delivery but you hadn’t had the time to order them and set a delivery date, there’s no need to worry. That’s because of the availability of same day flowers. Same day flowers can be your savior when you’ve been too busy and you suddenly realize that it’s Valentines Day or your anniversary and you haven’t had the time to pick any special gift up. A simple Valentines roses delivery, especially using the service of same day flowers, will easily demonstrate that even if you’re too busy, you’re never too busy to express how much you care.

Sending flowers by post may seem like a new and perhaps even difficult idea to you, but it’s much easier and more readily available than you think. A simple online search will demonstrate that there is a long list of florists with online displays for your viewing pleasure. You can choose from wide varieties of floral arrangements that come in every color and size imaginable. Roses, lilies, daisies, violets, carnations and more are all available in stunning arrangements guaranteed to bring joy to their lucky recipient. You’re sure to find something that appeals to you as well as suits the occasion. There is also a variety of prices ranging from affordable prices for smaller simpler bouquets up to expensive prices for the more extravagant ones. Best of all you can send flowers the very same day. Same day flowers are a practical and convenient feature and best of all there is guaranteed freshness before delivering these flowers by post.

The service of same day Valentines flowers while seeming too good of a feature to be true, does have a catch. That is because many florists insist that you place your order before a certain time of the day, be it a working day or a weekend, in order to ensure that your delivery gets carried out by the end of the day. However, considering the benefits of such a service, sticking to certain times of the day doesn’t seem like such a big hassle.

Same day flowers are truly a great solution to the dilemma of getting your message across on short notice, no matter what the occasion is and what the recipient means to you.

So with the availability of this highly convenient service of sending same day flowers by post, there is nothing that will stop you from expressing whatever feelings you have, whenever you feel like expressing them.

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